A Haux's Journey Through the Zodiac

A recap of my experiences with each astrological sun sign by Jennifer Eden

I'm a Scorpio. And almost every time I tell someone, their response is something along the lines of, “Oh, y'all are freaks!” I never bother to ask if this conclusion was drawn from hearsay, lived experience, magazine horoscopes, or some other source. Wherever this cliché came from, it exists. And not just for Scorpios. There are sexual stereotypes attached to each sign.

In general when someone asks What's your sign? they're referring to your sun sign, which simply means the position of the sun at the time you were born. The position of the moon, planets, and other celestial bodies have bearing on your character and, thus, your sexual personality as well. A more complete astrological picture takes all these elements into consideration. But most folks know about their sun signs, so for the sake of simplicity we’ll keep it there.

Now I'm not here to say that the stereotypes are true or false. I'm not even here to rank the signs from best to worst. This is entirely about what I've taken from my experiences, for me to reflect and for you to enjoy.

So, here you go…

Capricorn

The Capricorns I’ve been with have treated sex as a task that must be scheduled amidst all the other goings-on in their lives. For that reason, they’re very efficient when it comes to sex. Whoever came up with the adage “get in, get off, get out” must have been a Capricorn. It’ll be good, but it’ll be quick. They do shit like make you cum, put their clothes on, and pull out their laptop to meet a deadline. That also means they don’t make great “on-call” sex partners. They’ve already allotted their time and energy for the day, so by the time they get a “wyd?” text at 11:30pm they have nothing left. My suggestion to get the most out of a Cap haux is to schedule your sessions 5 to 7 business days in advance. And feed them first - they like that.

Aquarius

I was reluctant to write this post AT ALL because of this sign right here. Now I’m sure I’ve been with an Aquarius. Statistics and probability and all that math shit mean that I had to have had AT LEAST ONE Aquarius along the way. If it was you and you’re reading this, please let me know. But that’s kinda my point. Aquarius sex wasn’t memorable. It was nothing to write about - nothing to make me want to rearrange my haux-tation. Feel free to pop off in the comments about it, but you’re not gonna change my mind. (shrug emoji)

Pisces

In my experience, Pisces act like fucking them, and everything little thing that comes with it, is a favor. The meal you share before the actual fuck, the outfit they bought to make themselves appear fuckable, and even the gas they use to pick your ass up are all on a running tab of every coin they spend on you. And don’t let them have to buy special lube, condoms, or a whole new dick to fit the specifications of your vagina! I promise you will not hear the end of it. The work you put in must be equivalent to the money they spend and if it’s not, be prepared to get a CashApp request for the difference.

Aries

Aries are the most slept on of the zodiac when it comes to sexual prowess. MY GAWD! From the initial expression of interest to the highest height of orgasm, Aries does it RIGHT! They will make you feel however you need to feel. Wanna fell like a dirty little slut? Aries has a whole vocabulary they only tap into for this purpose. Need some late 90s “Nice & Slow” vibes? Aries will slow it down and turn it OUT. Feelin’ like daddy wit’ the big dick? Aries will tell you just how fucking big it is and just how bad they want it! Whachu in the mood for? Aries got you! I was very pleasantly surprised by my Aries experience. And I’m very much looking forward to my next…

Taurus

Taurus is simultaneously a caretaker and a control freak. They will put forth their best effort to please you, whether they succeed or not. They tried, so in their mind it’s a win. And they will tell you exactly what to do to please them. In fact, they’ll tell you exactly what to do to prepare for the fuck. Use vanilla body wash, shave your pussy hair in a triangle, and juice fast for the day - that level of specificity. This is great if you’re in a submissive mood but if you like to be in control you, you might not get your needs met.

Gemini

A Gemini haux will make you feel like you’re having a threesome EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! It’s like being with two lovers at once. You get both the yin and the yang, the dark and the light, the virgin and the sex gawd. And a Gemini is good for a marathon! I’m talking all day, all night, and callin’ out of work the next day. Hell, they might even lie to your boss for you! They operate in extremes, which means that any emotionally charged event, whether on the positive or negative end of the spectrum, can be a catalyst for a mind-blowing fuck! I’ve made a Gemini angry for no good goddamn reason JUST for the make-up sex. And it was well worth it.

Cancer

I think I’ve been with more Cancers than any other sign, so I feel completely justified in saying that they’re NASTY! Although each experience has been drastically different, what they’re all had in common is curiosity. A Cancer is down to try some shit, ok! Buying new toys, trying different positions, experiencing new roles and dynamics - Cancer says, yes, please! I feel like a comfort zone doesn’t exist for a Cancer and if it does, they are always seeking to expand it.

Leo

Y’all… y’all. A Leo changed my mother fucking life! Nothing I could say in this blog post could do it justice. I would need an entire Encyclopedia Britannica to explain all the ways a Leo fucked me up and broke me down with AMAZING head, dick, and/or pussy. (They’ll give you all the above if they’ve got it.) It was on some out-of-body experience shit! Do not - I repeat, DO NOT - fuck with a Leo if you aren’t ready to have a gut-wrenching sob in the midst of an orgasm. It’s THAT good!

Virgo

V is for Virgo… and for vanilla. Virgo swears they’re “a freak,” but by the most basic, puritanical standards. Virgo thinks oral sex is kinky. They consider themselves a voyeur because they like watching their partner masturbate. If that’s where you are, then get you a Virgo and you will have lots and lots of this kind of sex. But if you’re into some next level shit, move on to the next sign.

Libra

I’ve had some deep emotional bonds with Libras in my life, which has led to some very intense sexual partnerships. Libra wants to learn your body well enough to please you like no one else ever has. Their ego makes them an exceptional lover because they can’t handle the idea of you being unsatisfied. A Libra will literally sacrifice their own pleasure for yours.

Scorpio

I’m sure you’re expecting me to say that Scorpio is the ruler of the zodiac sex game, but I’m not gonna lie to y’all. I’ve had Scorpio lovers who rocked my world and I’ve had Scorpio lovers who I quite literally could have done without. I feel like the stereotypes about our sign do us, and y’all, a disservice. People get with Scorpios prepared for their world to be rocked and then end up disappointed if they get one of the bad apples. So while I advise you not to believe the hype, I also caution you not to let one bad apple spoil the bunch. Get you a Scorpio who does it right! Trust me, we’re out there…

Sagittarius

Sag’s innate impulsiveness and curiosity make the sex SO exciting! They’re down for whenever, wherever, whatever! And they make EXCELLENT submissives. They follow instructions without question and love to show off for the sake of pleasing you. Once they know what you like, they'll make sure you get it. But when they don't get what they want, they turn into a WHOLE brat. Be warned.

Bonus:

Best threesome arrangements by sign…

If you keep up with my content or follow me on IG, you know that threesomes are MY JAM! Some have been great, some have been trash. But I’m gonna let y’all know the zodiac combinations I’ve had the most fun with.

Libra-Scorpio-Sagittarius - This combination of energies was the absolute best! Our session went on for hours with no breaks. We each came with equal desires to please and be pleased. The tension had been building long before we had the opportunity to act on it. And once we did, the wait was absolutely worth it!

Scorpio-Sagittarius-Capricorn - This combination was great, but kind of exhausting. I think I was the most dominant of the three of us, so I had to put in work! But I (obviously) didn't mind. And apparently Capricorns play longer when they have more than one playmate.

Aries-Gemini-Scorpio - This one was fun. We used a lot of toys, which usually isn't my preference, but I wasn't mad at all. They knew each other way better than I knew them (they were married!) which added to the intrigue. I would have been cool just watching them fuck. Joining in was a welcome bonus.

Well, there you have it. Leave a comment shouting out your sign or telling me your best zodiac combos for group sex.

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Jennifer Eden (@slutofthemonth) is a poet, sex educator, and event curator from Baltimore who recently relocated to Philly to start over. Her work centers her identity as a Black queer femme and highlights the complexities of being a survivor, overcoming mental health hurdles, and healing from family and social traumas. She believes that gender is a social construct, that writing connects us to our ancestors and descendants, and that sex is a lot of fun! She produces burlesque and variety shows with The Haux Hive and loves a good, cheap white wine.