Hauxs Get Hurt Too
A Peek Inside the Mind of a Hurt Haux by Jennifer Eden
There seems to be a common misconception that a haux navigates sex and relationships with no emotional attachment. I'd like to aid in dispelling that myth by sharing the story of one haux who got their feelings hurt.
That haux is me.
Now, I've been through many breakups, or as I like to call them "shipwrecks." From amicably parting ways to tears and threats of violence, I've experienced damn near the full spectrum of breakups and their aftermath. And having been non-monogamous for about seven years now, breakups don't usually leave me alone or lonely. Most folks believe that if I have other partners, I shouldn't feel the sting that comes with one of my relationships ending.
WRONG! False. Inaccurate. Nah. Not how it works.
For three years or so, my haux-tation consisted of the same recurring cast of characters. The poet. The painter. The musician. The other painter. (Clearly, I have a thing for artists.) After some major shakeups in my little world, which I may blog about later, it was evident that I needed to do some shaking of my own.
The idea of connecting with anyone new was... scary. As fuck. Letting someone with no context for who I am and how I function leaves the doors open for judgement, wasted time, and bad sex. I didn't want any of that! Plus the whole "getting to know you" small talk thing has never been my forté, so what the fuck was I supposed to talk about?! The weather? Sports? I was lost.
Still, I was open to it. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, which made the possibilities almost infinite. Casual sex, FWBs, and noncommittal dating were all on the table. Now I know the universe heard me when I said that shit. I know it did because, almost immediately, I was sent someone who fit the bill.
And almost as immediately, the shit was over.
That was it. No more cute lil’ date nights. No more big-spoon-little spoon. No more toe-curling, back-bending, sheet-wetting sex. Poof. Gone. Just like that.
I had plans for this one too. A month out, I had already started planning for Valentine's weekend together - a mini road trip down 95 for her first Taste. Touch.Feel. experience and a night with her legs in the air in a swanky downtown DC hotel.
I had caught a whole feeling, y’all. And I didn’t realize I had until it was over. The way it ended was, in large part, my fault. Yes, I willingly admit that. This experience has definitely reinforced for me that sometimes it’s our own decisions that end up hurting us the most.
There’s an old adage that says, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." That doesn't hold true with me for a few reasons. One, I'm kind of a top. Two, some fire head will cheer me up faster than penetration on any day. And three, to assert that the presence of a new lover automatically eliminates the grief that comes with losing one is, in short, dehumanizing.
Why does a sexually liberated person not get permission to experience the full range of human emotion?
Having someone to lick your wounds doesn’t make them go away. And, in my opinion, it doesn’t really help them heal any faster. It’s simply a distraction. Now some people don’t have it in them to indulge in distraction sex while in mourning mode. But other hauxs don’t mind a few orgasms being donated to their relief efforts.
As I see it, it's not that a haux doesn't have feelings. Hauxs got hella feelings! What I believe is that a haux knows how to regulate access to them. But when a haux opens up their heart, they can get their feelings hurt just like anyone else.
Jennifer Eden (@slutofthemonth) is a poet, sex educator, and event curator from Baltimore who recently relocated to Philly to start over. Her work centers her identity as a Black queer femme and highlights the complexities of being a survivor, overcoming mental health hurdles, and healing from family and social traumas. She believes that gender is a social construct, that writing connects us to our ancestors and descendants, and that sex is a lot of fun! She produces burlesque and variety shows with The Haux Hive (@thehauxhive) and loves a good, cheap white wine.