The Asexual Haux
A pretty decent look at my journey through asexual relationships by Apyphanie Dawn
Sex, some people believe it establishes relationships and some believe it can f*ck up a relationship just as effectively.
On a grand scale, when we think of romantic relationships, sex comes to mind. It can be a supreme level of intimacy and be the easiest way to show someone you’re feeling them on a deeper level than friendship. Can a relationship without sex still be romantic and beyond friendship? As a young and naive haux, I never realized how different my relationship with sex was from others. I had A LOT of sex with a lot of different people, but my emotions were rarely tied up in it. I didn’t feel connected until I fell in love. That’s when I discovered how amazing an orgasm could actually feel. My prior sexual relationships were dry and disconnected and I was rarely in the mood when I did have sex. Realizing that I was demisexual, someone who’s sexual desire stems only from a deep, emotional connection, was a little bit jolting being that it is on the asexual spectrum. So recently, I’ve decided to explore asexual romantic non-monogamous dating. I’m still learning a lot but what I have experienced so far has taught me a lot about forming truly romantic bonds without having sex.
I know it can seem cliche to bring up communication because all relationships thrive on effective communication skills, but asexual romantic connections can only be built on a strong foundation of communication. Sometimes, a deep conversation can be the best form of intimacy and just like sex, it must be nurtured in order to get real deep. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or be blunt in your thoughts. I’m always asking people I date awkward questions to get to the root of how they think, this helps me determine how to be intimate beyond sex because I’m learning who they are besides a sexual being.
Do shit together! Make the bed, and get in the car and just ride. The more you do, the more you learn. The goal is to become an open book and be fluid and free-flowing. The excitement you would get in a sexual relationship can come from spontaneity and enjoying quality time out of the house. I know we have all had relationships where you never do anything or leave the house and that, to me, can get really old. Go get some ice cream or go on a random trip somewhere unexpected, keep the relationship spicy hot!
Too many times we confuse the feeling of wanting to be close with sexual attraction. Sometimes you just want to reach out and touch or be touched without sex being on the menu. That’s the beauty of asexuality. You can be romantic for the sake of romance. Closeness is not only defined by having sex. When we entered this world, we desired skin-to-skin contact, and as adults we still need it chemically and biologically. Sometimes, I just want to feel my wife’s skin on mine because physical touch is one of my prominent love languages. I enjoy kissing and, for me, it doesn’t lead to sex. Kissing is another way for me to become one with a partner and have an intimate exchange. Titillating all of the senses is very important. Feed each other or smell your boo’s head, if you like smells as much as I do, get all up in that armpit haux! For real, there are so many pheromones constantly flowing from there, it’s amazing.
Let me be clear, no relationship type is better or more intimate than the other. I simply offer this information based on my personal journey with asexuality because in a world so fueled by sex, sometimes you just need a break. Forming romantic bonds, for me, is more important than forming sexual ones because there are periods (that can last for weeks, months, or longer) when I just don’t want to have sex. During these times I still crave human connection and intimacy. If you can identify with me, I challenge you to create more asexual romantic connections in your life and truly meditate on how those connections make you feel over the sexual connections you’ve made in the past. Which connections felt/feel deeper to you?