My Pussy Turned 30, Now What?

A Half-Assed Guide to Navigating the World with a 30+ Year Old Pum-Pum by Apyphanie Dawn


So, you turned 30!

Happy birthday and welcome to the 30 and over pussy club. We welcome you and hope you’re ready for a wealth of information you may not have had access to prior to this second-tier coming of age. I’m going to tell you the shit you need to hear, mostly vulgar, about your pussy and body and the wonderful (and not so wonderful) changes you may or may not notice as you enter into your 30th year of living life. Disclaimer: I’m not an OB/GYN, medical professional, or anything equivalent to the former, merely a fellow pussy possessor with an aptitude for pussy-related research.

 

Camel-Toe Capable

One fact that the majority of us cannot deny is that as we age, we begin to gain weight or retain weight easier than when we were young and spry. That is no different for turning 30. It wasn’t an immediate notice but after 27, my body began to change. I’ve always been a heavy hitter but my body started to carry the weight differently. My hips got plushier and wider, and gravity began to do its thing on the rest. Only right to expect the pum-pum to need more room-room! So, yes, gina gets a little fatter with the rest of you.

Haux-Tip: Since we all discovered that baby powder is a no-go for the nether regions (please Google this if you don’t know what I’m talking about!), how does a haux keep the pussy moisture at bay? I use organic panty liners and keep pubic hairs trimmed and tamed. Hair holds moisture and just like the hair on your head, the hair on your pussy needs love and maintenance, too! Have a friend or partner help with a pair of clean hair scissors!

 

O Shit!

You know that thing people say about women peaking sexually at 30? It’s true. When my sexual journey began I focused solely on clitoral stimulation because I didn’t understand how someone could orgasm through g-spot stimulation. Basically, no one had fucked me right, yet. Not even myself. And then I got my back blown out, I found my g-spot and orgasms were never the same. And then I turned 30. Achieving one orgasm can be daunting for some, at one point it was for me. Now, ha! I can cum at the thought of how great my orgasms feel now. Some attribute it to better communication of sexual desires, others think there are physiological changes that occur within the vagina to make this possible. The freedom of reaching such a pivotal age may just give the pussy everything it needs to let loose. Who knows? Who really cares, the fact is nearly 60% of women in their mid to late 30s said they have better more frequent orgasms! I like those odds, sis, I like those odds.  

Haux-Tip: As we age things can get a little sahara-like, I recommend buying or making an all-natural yoni oil for daily moisturization. It can help keep things fresh and slippery for all of the riveting new sexscapades you’ll be getting into now with this wealth of knowledge I’m laying down.

 

Drip, Drip!

So, remember when I mentioned those panty liners earlier? Well, as 30 becomes your new normal, you’ll notice things can get a little “moist” but not in the way you’re thinking. Incontinence. It’s real, baby! Those muscles that dwell in our pelvic floor begin to get weaker as we age. Sometimes a good, hearty laugh can bring about a few drops, and sometimes a startle can open the flood gates. Just remember that you’re not alone, there’s probably another 30 something having an accidental trickle only a few feet from you. Isn’t that comforting?

Haux-Tip: Panty liners made for urinary incontinence exist! You’re welcome! And try doing kegel and pelvic floor exercises. Also, use the bathroom, sis. I know sometimes it feels like you don’t have to go. Remember when your parentals made you use the bathroom before long trips even when you ‘didn’t have to go’ and you went and still peed? Keep that same energy. Just try, if you don’t pee, reward yourself with an orgasm!

 

Grandpussy

If you haven’t already noticed, you’ll eventually start seeing little metallic flecks showing up in your hoo-hah hair. I’ll be the first to admit I was not looking forward to this part of the aging process, but now that it’s here, I feel regal af! Means my pussy has more wisdom, right? RIGHT! And so will yours! Embrace it. If folks with beards can swaggily rock gray hairs why can’t my silver kitty make a confident debut?

Haux-Tip: Bust it open! Let ‘em see that new hue of blue! If you really can’t get busy with a little gray in the pwussay, purchase some pubic hair dye… no, I’m serious… it’s real. Or remove the hair altogether if that’s what you’re into.

Fresh Out of Fucks

So another rewarding new outlook you can look forward to as you approach 30, is realizing you made it through sooo much shit to get where you are. That realization, along with all of the wisdom and knowledge you’ve acquired thus far, can be a recipe for not giving a fuck about what anyone has to say or think. This quality can be dangerous for the new 30 year old because your surroundings have not yet adjusted to the new, fuck-less you. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t feel fucking MAGICAL to say and do whatever you’re thinking and not give a single fuck. Don’t get me wrong, don’t be out here being problematic and evil. That kinda shit gets you nowhere fast. Be honest, though. Live in your truth and remember to be introspective. Honesty without introspection is just self-gratification sprinkled with judgment.  

Haux-Tip: Mix a little empathy in with your honesty. How will your words or actions benefit you? How will they hurt someone else? It’s ok to be self-focused, just remember you’re not the only one on this rock. A little empathy goes a long way.

No matter if you experience all or none of these changes or some that I didn’t mention, 30 is a milestone that should be respected and admired. You & your pussy only turn 30 once so ride that motha fucka til the bed gives way! Happy hauxing!